Acts 9 - Why are you persecuting me?

Paul was incredibly zealous in his persecution of Christians, until he came face to face with the one he was persecuting on the road to Damascus. The road to Damascus, while scary and tough is a road I realize that I needed to go down. Now I’ve never gone down the actual road between Jerusalem and Damascus, but I had to go through the part of my journey in life where I came face to face with Jesus. I had to be brought to my knees and faced with the incredibly tough question, “why are you persecuting me”? I grew up in the church, I can probably count on both hands the number of times I’ve missed going to church on a weekend, and for the longest time I thought that was good enough. I was doing the things I was supposed to do and most people, especially people inside of the church, would say that I was far from “persecuting Jesus”. But, when I came face to face with Jesus, while I was in college, I came to understand that I was far from living a life in pursuit of Christ and his character. And, by calling myself a Christian and attending church acting like that was good enough, I wasn’t only negatively affecting my relationship with God I was tainting the view of Christ-followers to my friends and people around me. I was a roadblock to the advancement of the gospel in their lives, just like Paul was a roadblock to the advancement of the gospel in his time. I was persecuting my Lord and Savior. And, like Paul, I needed to be brought face to face with the one I was persecuting. I remember the night very clearly, and it’s a night that wasn’t fun, a night I spent a lot of time apologizing and weeping over my failures, but it’s a night I needed desperately in order to turn my life around. I needed to go down the road to Damascus, just like Paul did.

Paul is dropped to his knees, is blinded, and is told to go to Damascus and wait for more instructions. And, like anyone who would have been through that experience, he gets up and obeys. Meanwhile, Ananias receives a vision from God to go and find Saul and his first reaction is fear and a desire not to go. He had heard all about who this Saul guy was and wants nothing to do with him. God urges him to go, tells him about a vision He was giving to Saul as well, and then makes a very big statement. “I will show him how much he must suffer for My name!” God knows how much Saul has persecuted His disciples, and now He is going to use suffering to transform Saul into Paul and use the Holy Spirit to write books and letters through Paul that would transform the world. All through the book of Acts we see the Holy Spirit playing an essential role in the lives of believers, and now in the last few chapters all the way through the rest of the book we will see how suffering is also very closely tied to the maturation of the believer. Suffering is not an option for the unfortunate; it’s a requisite of the believer. I like it, but also hate it at the same time, when common themes stick out in my reading of scripture. It typically means it is an area of weakness that I’m about to be strengthened in, and that process of strengthening is never fun.

Ananias faced a command from God that many have, and that was to do something that didn’t make sense; in fact it seemed like something that was a pretty bad idea. But, Ananias was faithful, like I hope to be every time He puts a similar challenge in front of me, and he responded with obedience. Ananias walks right in with the confidence that can only come from his Redeemer, lays his hands on Saul and prays for him. Paul regains his eyesight, gets baptized, and then gets to work. He spends some days with the believers there in Damascus and then begins proclaiming the message of the Messiah in the synagogues. And, as people typically are and as I am sure I would have been, those hearing his message were skeptical. Why am I so skeptical? It goes back to the discussion in chapter 2 about people or churches not fitting into the box that I’ve created, something I desperately need to change. At first the Jews were skeptical, and then they just got mad. They realized that one of their best players just switched teams, and they knew how smart he was and how faithful and obedient he had been in their religion, and feared what his zeal for the Lord would do for this new movement of God. Again, I can’t help but think that the leaders of the Jewish people were scared for their “church” and their “members” and for their sources of income, and that fear motivated them to try to kill Saul. What motivates me when I am skeptical, why do I go down those roads?

Father forgive me for the times in the past when I’ve been skeptical, when I haven’t really believed you could change someone’s heart. Lord help me right now with those around me that I doubt and I question whether or not they are really yours, or whether or not they are really living out what they profess with their mouth. I need your truth to shine through. I need to realize that you are the judge and I am not. I need to realize that whether it is real or not, it’s up to you to deal with and not my issue. Help me to hold a brother in Christ accountable for sin, but not to assume sin and deception based on my sinful attitude.

We see it again when he arrives in Jerusalem, which is actually 3 years later, with the disciples. They were skeptical, they were cautious, and they were careful. And yet through all that skepticism you don’t see Saul getting upset or angry or offended. I think about the times when someone has not believed me or trusted me immediately, it hurts and it is offensive. How could someone not believe me, I am so honest and trustworthy and upright, how dare they! Saul knew his past, he knew that he had wronged many people, and he knew that he was far from perfect. Who was he to get offended or be hurt, he was the self-identified worst sinner of them all? Who am I to get offended or be hurt, I’m the worst sinner of them all?

Saul continued to teach and preach the name and message of Jesus, everywhere he went, and the text says that he spoke boldly. Speaking boldly is something I’ve never done well. Sure, when I am preaching from the stage, I find it fairly easy to preach boldly because that’s what’s expected of me, and everyone in the room is expecting “God” conversations. But, in a conversation with a nonbeliever, or even another believer, I struggle much more to speak boldly, and it is humbling and even embarrassing when I get down to the real reason why. When I am talking finance and accounting lingo, especially in an area of accounting or taxes that I am very proficient and knowledgeable in, I talk with boldness. When someone asks a question I will quickly answer and will be confident in my answer because I know it’s the truth. I’m not worried about what the person will think of the answer because I know it is the truth and what they think will not change whether or not the statement is truth or not. We all do that in our various areas of expertise. Yet, why don’t I do that with the Bible? Why don’t I do that with the promises that God has given to me, why don’t I step up with boldness and speak with confidence when I’m talking about my relationship with God? What it all comes down to, sadly, is my lack of assurance that what I am saying is truth and my far-too-high of a concern with what that person will think. I’m not saying that I am unsure that the Bible is truth; I am 100% confident in that. What I am hesitant about is my knowledge and understanding of the Scriptures and my ability to accurately and adequately convey those thoughts and that Scripture to others. And, unfortunately, I typically go about trying to ease those feelings of hesitancy in the wrong way, by knowing the Word better, by memorizing more scripture and by studying it more. Those, in and of themselves are great things, but the piece I think I leave out far too often is asking the Holy Spirit to guide those conversations when I am unsure about sharing what God’s word says about a situation. I might have the entire Bible memorized but if I leave it up to myself to think of the scripture that applies in the certain situation, I’ll fail most of the time. If I can live every moment by the Spirit, having filled my mind and heart with the words of God from the Bible, I’ll be far more successful at speaking boldly when boldness is needed. The second part of my struggle, and I think many others share in this with me, is my concern over what the other person in the conversation will think. I don’t sense that Paul ever had those concerns. He was so incredibly confident that what he was speaking was truth that he told it to anyone and everyone and I need to live the same way. When the Spirit says go, I need to go. When the Spirit says speak, I need to speak, with boldness!

The last two sections of Acts chapter 9 gives descriptions of some healings that took place, and as I read these stories all I can think about is how awesome our God is. To give the gift of the use of his body back to Aeneas and to give the gift of life to Tabitha and her family, what a glorious act and work of God and of nobody else. Peter was able to be a part of that event, and that must have been incredible to be the medium by which God gave those gifts. I want to be the medium for God as well, in whatever way He chooses. Whether it is healing people, praying with someone as they are processing what God’s story means to them, or if it is scooping the sidewalks off so people can get to church, it doesn’t matter. I want to be used by Him in whatever way He chooses, just as long as I get to be a part of the incredible move of God that is happening all around me. That’s my prayer!